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Everything I could not fix I broke into smaller pieces

by Shelby Trapid

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1.
Hell 01:38
If there’s a higher power They’ve got a lousy sense of humour An appetite for torture And a taste for the absurd A familiar sinking feeling sets in We’ll make the same mistakes again You’re the worst kind of friend A billion tiny ceilings cave in They’ll always call the loss a win We make the same mistakes again Where else is there to go? We’re already in hell Fair to say we’ll never know We’re already in hell
2.
As far as I can tell I’m a hard sell I just want to glow in the dark Better never than late I don’t like my face I just want to glow in the dark Teach me how to be More than my anxieties I just want to be me But I’m too caught up In what it means to be free You like my body But I could never play along I’m leaving the party And you won’t notice that I’m gone As far as I can tell I’m a home not a hotel I just want to glow As far as I can tell We choose between good and well I just want to glow
3.
The sun didn’t rise today Vultures descend and Devour their prey It’s not a surprise anyway When the greed turns to spite All that’s left will decay My head is an overcrowded aquarium An unnaturally saturated ecosystem The water spills over and forms a new ocean I’m sorry for any trouble I’ve caused The sun didn’t rise today The sky’s upside down and You’ve got nothing to say It’s not a surprise anyway When the heart stops beating The skin fades to grey Another day ends I crawl out of my skin and Slip into bed as a ghost Without my shell Without my body That folds in on itself with grief My head is an overcrowded aquarium An unnaturally saturated ecosystem The water spills over and forms a new ocean I’m sorry for any trouble I’ve caused The sun didn’t rise today Everyone I love is floating away
4.
Go Back 02:17
I want to go back there The kiss in the park The playlist in your car It felt like I knew you Like we’d already been through A thousand years of misery and bliss Back when I didn’t know All the best parts were just for show I keep hanging on Lost in an age that’s already gone Would you go back there To fool me again The means to an end It felt like I broke through By denying my own truth A couple years of Heartache I won’t miss Back when I didn’t know All the best parts were just for show You keep running the same con And when you go back I will be gone
5.
Merciful 03:18
Forgive me Sleep deprivation’s got me dragging my feet If I’m not the one I must be one of three Or four, or five I tried If we’re only as good as our worst mistake I am no better than you Falling stocks and trauma bonds You’re a mess and I’m no fun Pull the thread as I come undone Merciful as the setting sun I’m sorry No other words sound so empty And in the next breath you will blame me For failing to survive I tried Falling stocks and trauma bonds I’ll let you believe you’ve won How much longer can you run? Merciful as the setting sun Falling stocks and trauma bonds The end, it has begun How much more until you’re done? Merciful as the setting sun Merciful as the setting sun Merciful as the setting sun
6.
Girl Genius 04:42
Love me forever Hate me for free Lost yourself in guilt and anger? They’ll fix it for a fee Comfortable in exile Spend all my time alone I still leave all the lights on In case you’re coming home Girl Genius Why are you so sad? You’ve got all that you could want You’re the best I’ve ever had Girl Genius Why are you so tough? You give them all you’ve got But it’s never quite enough The shadows of people I know In the faces of those I don't How will you remember me If I'm not in your latest feed? While I was missing you I missed myself too Now I don't know which story to tell Which parts of me to buy and sell Sabotage yourself When it gets too real Minimize every success So you don’t have to feel I’m a Girl Genius Why am I so sad? What more could I want I’m the best you’ll ever have Girl Genius But why I am so tough? I gave them all I had And it just wasn’t enough Girl Whatever she wants It’s none of your fucking business Girl Genius
7.
Is It Over? 01:48
I can’t leave the house without crying Can’t go outside without feeling ill And I’m not afraid of dying but I’m terrified of standing still Is it over yet I wanna go home Is it over now I’d rather be alone Is it over yet I wanna go home Is it over now I’d rather be alone
8.
Wait I don’t want to say goodbye In the darkness I found light With you Stay I know we’re all gonna die I just want one last fight With you In the scheme of forever We’re just drifting through Put the pieces together Pretend it’s something new How can you know how far you can go If you never try How could you know when I’m around you Everything moves so slowly And I worry What if you’re the only one for me? I’m running in circles Chasing my tail I’m just your dog so let me be Something resembling free I’m running in circles You’re high on your ego We’re highly unstable And that’s what keeps us humble In the scheme of forever We’re just drifting through Put the pieces together Pretend it’s something new
9.
I have a recurring dream In which you murder me Such generous parting gifts An IOU and PTSD Beneath all your fear and shame Is a wounded child With a traumatized brain But the pain will never justify The harm you do On your endless supply In my best revenge fantasy My hips shut down your carotid artery In my best revenge fantasy No one believes who you pretend to be In my best revenge fantasy My hips shut down your carotid artery In my best revenge fantasy You take full accountability
10.
Maybe in the next life On another planet We’ll try again We’ll be more patient Maybe in the next life On another planet We won’t forget Not to destroy each other I went places I shouldn’t go With people who were bad for me I did some things that I regret Just to try to feel whole And maybe in another life On the next planet, out of sight We’ll build something that cannot break And pretend it’s our home

credits

released February 18, 2022

Shelby Trapid - piano [1]; vocals & guitar
Coleman Canton - drums
Marika Galea - electric bass
Zou Zou Robidoux - cello [2, 6, 7]
Eve Parker Finley - violin [6, 7]
Allison Burik - alto saxophone & bass clarinet [8, 10]
Shae Brossard - guitar [2, 5, 8]; additional synth programming & soundscapes
Florian Roussel - guitar solo [5]

All songs written by Shelby Trapid
Produced, Engineered and Mixed by Shae Brossard
Engineered [Assistant] by JoJo Worthington
Mastered by Kristian Montano
String and woodwind arrangements [2, 6, 7, 10] by François-Pierre Lue
Cover art by Shelby Trapid

Recorded August-September 2021 at Hotel2Tango in Montréal, QC.

Thank you to the incredible musicians who performed on this record, may this be the first of many collaborations. To brilliant Shae - your friendship is a gift, thank you for helping me bring this noisy dream to life with such care.

This album is dedicated to the memory of my father. With love and immense gratitude to my mom, Steph, Michael, Florian, Erika, and Julia for your unwavering support.

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Shelby Trapid Montreal, Québec

Shelby Trapid is a songwriter and multi-instrumentalist.

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