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No Ambition, Only Desire

by Shelby Trapid

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1.
Sleepwalking, don’t know what to do I’m lucid and I’m through Climbing back to you I am slipping I am drifting Away Away Soft sweet redemptress Your very own fuckable Sisyphus I don’t want to play anymore I just want to talk I want to be heard I want to be held I want to be understood I want to be helped And if you must know I am afraid of my own shadow I am afraid
2.
Sometimes I wake up with one foot off the curb Am I too old to daydream or too young to hurt? When a quiet life is too much to desire Must I instead put my hand into the fire? I drew the map and you tore it up Had to go out and find myself again Am I simply set to self-destruct Or is the self-doubt something I can mend? If I’m not careful I’ll die here If I’m not careful I’ll die As I live out my worst fears I can say that I tried Sometimes I wake up with one hand in the earth Have all the roots I’ve grown been severed or worse? Without the instinct to give up and retreat Must I instead simply jump in with both feet? I struck the match and you burned it out Had to find my own way through the night If I’m simply set to self-destruct I will continue falling towards the light If I’m not careful I’ll die here If I’m not careful I’ll die As I live out my worst fears I can say that I tried If we’re not careful we’ll die here If we’re not careful we’ll die As we live out our worst fears I can say that I
3.
Absolve Me 05:09
Slipped right through my fingers Absorbing all the light Part of you still lingers And tortures me at night I wish I could take some of it back All that’s left for me to do is ask Absolve me, maybe I’m only human Dispel my fears Create some new ones You look right through me As if you never knew That I could break, stumble or fall Haunted by my guilt Nowhere left to hide In the prison that we built And locked ourselves inside So easy for you to vilify All that’s left for me to do is try Absolve me, maybe I’m only human Dispel my fears Create some new ones You look right through me As if you never knew That I could break, stumble or fall Do I really want forgiveness A temporary modulation Do I truly feel remorse Or is that just another stipulation Punish me for speaking truth Possess me, open up old wounds Quiet now, you wait for me to bend But the impulse rushes back again I’m sorry I’ll never pretend Absolve me but don’t ever hold me back Absolve me, maybe I’m only human Dispel my fears Create some new ones
4.
Someone took something from me And I'm starting to believe That I may never get it back What do you want? What do I need? I thought we'd started to agree But it's all falling apart Again I would rather not try Giving you a second, second chance I would happily die Not having spent another moment At the mercy of your plans Promise me you'll do your worst Make me believe I'm fucking cursed Am I asking for too much? You'll claim to be above the need Leave all decisions up to me What am I willing to endure? I would rather not try Giving you a second, second chance Please don't ask me why I won't spend another moment Reaching out to your closed hands I was so quick to forgive that I forgot to respect myself To honour my peace of mind I could still be convinced, but it's time to Let go of this and learn to say Goodbye, goodbye Goodbye, goodbye Goodbye, goodbye Goodbye, goodbye Goodbye, goodbye Goodbye, goodbye Goodbye, goodbye
5.
I wish you’d hang up the receiver I’m still waiting on the other line You’re holding out for better weather But the sun only has so much shine Time passes, we evolve, we pretend Nothing happened, just unfollow and unsend Icarus I saw you with your wings aflame As if it was your right To cast your light over everything To exert your might You create shadows where there once were none You create shadows, you are the only one
6.
When you slice into my heart Use a serrated knife When you tear my world apart Make it a fair fight It’s a very delicate procedure When you peel back the surface Do you see me Or will you only ever see “her”? Stripped of all my gimmicks I’m the image of my father Will I be the wanderer, The lover or the martyr? I just want to trust you I don’t care what it means I just want to trust you I don’t care what it means I just want to trust you I don’t care what it means I just want to trust you I don’t care what it means So when you slice into my heart Use a serrated knife
7.
Oblivion 06:07
Peeling back the layers to reveal a thicker skin Your thoughts and your prayers are growing old and wearing thin Lend me your patience and I'll try to understand What it feels like to live in oblivion The flooded street's the perfect place to float by The air is heavy, no one makes a sound Locked doors and secret stores and bags of sand Won't save you from drowning in oblivion Why won't you fight for me Ward off the demons only I can see Why won't you say Anything other than "you'll be okay" A thousand tiny feathers falling from a summer sky Taught to jump but learned how to fly City lights and tourist sights must look so bland Way up there, in oblivion I've seen Southern mountains set on fire Burning for our insatiable desires Once you've discovered all there is to know Is there anywhere to go but higher into oblivion Why won't you fight for us Discard the excuses that I can't trust Why won't you say Anything other than "ça va bien aller" You can ring the bell Or knock down the door I do not live there anymore You can cast a spell Pour salt in the sore You cannot hurt me anymore
8.
I’d rather trust my heart with a stranger Why do we feel safer in danger How am I so afraid of falling And still disregard every warning I always took the path of least resistance As a result I attract the inconsistent Can I turn away from the comfort of distance Embrace the uncertain terms of my existence Why don’t you Do something Do something I wish you would Do something Do something I would if I could I’d rather surrender hope than wonder Why do we feel safer going under How does one break the surface And know all the pain was worth it Do something, do something Do something, do something Do something, do something Do something, do something
9.
No Ambition 03:03
I tried to warn you, you never listened No trust, no fear, no ambition I want to love like my body’s not falling apart I want to turn what’s broken into tiny works of art I want to wake up and feel like I can start again I want to live like I don’t know that this is the end Isn’t it just like us to worry About what we’ll miss Before we’re even gone Isn’t it just like us to yearn For the good old days When they’ve just begun Isn’t it just like us to strive For a better way In spite of what we’ve done
10.
Overdose 02:03
Falling asleep in the passenger seat One of many different ways My body betrays me I was so young When you decided to leave But you could never compete With your fear of dying When I am in pain I look just like you I am trying to change But I’m wired for doom I am here and elsewhere I am here and going nowhere fast I am here and elsewhere I am here "We'd, uh, like to thank everyone, we had a great time and uh, it's been fun. Take care."

credits

released February 2, 2024

Shelby Trapid - vocals, guitar, keys, bass on 1 and 5
Allison Burik - alto saxophone, bass clarinet
Jérémie Essiambre - drums, percussion, additional effects
Marika Galea - bass
Florian Roussel - guitar leads and solos
Eve Parker Finley - violin
Zou Zou Robidoux - cello
Dylan Keating - pedal steel
Shae Brossard - drum machine, additional programming and soundscapes

All songs written by Shelby Trapid
Produced by Shae Brossard and Shelby Trapid
Engineered and mixed by Shae Brossard
Serrated Knife string arrangement by Zou Zou Robidoux
Additional recording and album art by Shelby Trapid
Mastered by Kristian Montano

Recorded November 2022-March 2023 at Hotel2Tango in Tiohtià:ke/Montreal, QC.

In memory of my Dad, whose voice closes out the record. Eternal gratitude for my Mom, Steph, and Michael. To my friends for showing me that love is real. To Fay, for whom we keep the hope alive.

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Shelby Trapid Montreal, Québec

Shelby Trapid is a songwriter and multi-instrumentalist.

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